Healthy Relationships

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Once we understand the ideas and beliefs behind the stories we accept as our own, we can do some replotting. We can ask ourselves what we like and don't like about our current story, what hasn't been working in our relationships, and how we would like to change it. How can we rewrite the scenario? This may involve changing stories, or transforming an existing story to make it more practical. For example, horror stories may be fantasized during sexual or other activity, rather than actually physically played out.

We can change our story by experimenting with new and different plots. Sometimes, psychotherapy can help us to move from perilous stories (such as a horror story) to more promising ones (such as a travel story). Once we've recognized our story--or learned to live a healthy one of our choosing--we can begin to recognize elements of that story in potential mates. Love mirrors stories because it is a story itself. The difference is that we are the authors, and can write ourselves a happy ending.

READ MORE ABOUT IT

Love is a Story, Robert J. Sternberg, Ph.D. (Oxford University Press, 1998)

A Natural History of Love, Diane Ackerman (Random House, 1994

RELATED ARTICLE: Find Your Love Story

Adapted from Love Is A Story by Robert J. Sternberg, Ph.D.

Rate each statement on a scale from 1 to 9, I meaning that it doesn't characterize your romantic relationships at all, 9 meaning that it describes them extremely well. Then average your scores for each story. In general, averaged scores of 7 to 9 are high, indicating a strong attraction to a story, and I to 3 are low, indicating little or no interest in the story. Moderate scores of 4 to 6 indicate some Interest, but probably not enough to generate or keep a romantic interest. Next, evaluate your own love story. (There are 12 listed here; see the book for more.)

STORY #1

1. I enjoy making sacrifices for the sake of my partner.

2. I believe sacrifice is a key part of true love.

3. I often compromise my own comfort to satisfy my partner's needs.

Score: --

The sacrifice story can lead to happy relationships when both partners are content in the roles they are playing, particularly when they both make sacrifices. It is likely to cause friction when partners feel compelled to make sacrifices. Research suggests that relationships of all kinds are happiest when they are roughly equitable. The greatest risk in a sacrifice story is that the give-and-take will become too out of balance, with one partner always being the giver or receiver.

STORY #2

Officer:

1. I believe that you need to keep a close eye on your partner.

2. I believe it is foolish to trust your partner completely.

3. I would never trust my partner to work closely with a person of the opposite sex. Score: --

Suspect:

1. My partner often calls me several times a day to ask exactly what I am doing.

2. My partner needs to know everything that I do.

3. My partner gets very upset if I don't let him or her know exactly where I have been. Score: --