Understanding the mother daughter relationship

Mother Daughter Relationships

Frances Nadeau in a recent article stated: "Understanding the mother daughter relationship is critical to young adult girls because a daughter bonds with her mother in a complex, interdependent association that often inhibits a daughter from establishing her own identity"

"By describing the daughter's quest for autonomy from different viewpoints, novels can offer possible solutions to the problems faced by adolescents. This article will summarize the sociological literature that describes the mother/daughter relationship and review current young adult novels that depict this relationship."

Frances Nadeau said that the sociological literature describes the strong bond between mother and daughter as one inhibiting the daughter from establishing her own identity. "The first bonding in infancy is with the mother. Although this initial bonding is true for both sexes, boys break away at an early age to identify with their fathers," Frances Nadeau said.

Many theories have focused on the uniqueness of the mother daughter relationship. Nancy Chodorow, a researcher into mothers and daughters, writes, "The mother is the early care giver and primary source of identification for all children.... A daughter continues to identify with the mother" Another sociologist Lucy Fischer, noted that "because a mother and daughter identified with each other, and because their individual boundaries were not always clear, a daughter struggle all her life to separate from her mother".

Frances Nadeau has also written that "the mother daughter relationship undergoes added conflict and strain in the adolescent years because the mother is the primary role model and teacher of cultural values. Two other authors, Margaret Notar and Susan McDaniel describe the mother daughter relationship as "...often conflictual, particularly during their daughter's adolescence, and manifests many of the ambiguities and confusions about the social meanings of womanhood and motherhood." Other reports show that an adolescent daughter often holds the most negative attitudes toward their mother and that the daughter's quest for autonomy, often manifested sexually, is not commended by their mothers.

Vivien Nice in her book Mothers and Daughters states that a mother does teach her daughter to be dependent. She writes"...Mothers are seen to teach their daughter... to meet men's needs and suppress their own. Girls are taught to be attractive and caring, not to outshine men intellectually ... and to look for approval" Gilbert and Webster two other researchers into the vital mother daughter relationship write that: "each mother has to transmit the rules of femininity to her daughter to help them survive in the world as she knows it".

Frances Nadeau notes that many works, written by and for adult women, describe the turmoil of self discovery and the pain of mother daughter separation. "Well-known feminist writers had explored the mother daughter relationship:" she said.

"In contrast, few authors describe the mother daughter relationship in their novels for young adults. The mother is often removed physically through travel, illness or death, or emotionally through dependence on alcohol or drugs. By removing the mother, these authors may allow the daughter more freedom to face and solve problems on her own."

Frances Nadeau has also noted that although the trend by young adult authors to ignore the mother daughter relationship prevails, there are a few young adult novels that depict aspects of the relationship. "

Frances Nadeau writes, "The mother daughter relationship may become a focus because of a family response to an outside conflict, or the daughter's rebellion against the values of society or, more specifically, against her mother's lifestyle. Identifying these novels can be difficult because, when the mother daughter relationship is not a central theme, it will not be defined in the short annotation or listed in the subject headings."

Frances Nadeau further notes, " Physical separation by illness and death existed in traditional series such as Nancy Drew, and it exists in today's young adult novels. Cynthia Voigt has written a series of novels about Dicey Tillerman, who leads her brothers and sisters from Maine to find her grandmother in Maryland. Yuki, the heroine in Shizuko's Daughter by Kyoko Mori, survives despite the void in her life due to her mother's suicide. Mori presents the dichotomy of the mother/daughter relationship. Through haunting memories, Yuki re-lives the beauty in the mother/daughter bond; through her everyday life she experiences the rules and restraints established by her stepmother. In Klause's Silver Kiss, although Zoe's mother has not yet died and is able to provide comfort and advice, she is physically unavailable since she is in the hospital. Klause captures one aspect of the mother/daughter relationship in her description of Zoe skipping school to visit her mother, the only person in whom she could confide.

In her examination of flim fictional narrative, Frances Nadeau writes, "Death and illness provide one type of separation. Authors also separate the mother and daughter by travel. Theresa Nelson, in The Beggar's Ride, portrayed this separation by describing the daughter, Clare, running away from home. Clare left quickly, taking only her clothes and enough money from her mother's purse for bus fare. Removing the mother through work (i.e., the mother works long hours or in a distant location) is another method authors employ to force separation. Grayling, the main character in Jean Thesman's The Rain Catchers, spends her first fourteen years with her grandmother while her mother works in a distant city and visits only once a year. Grayling seeks to understand herself by discovering why her mother abandoned her. A similar plot occurs in Conrad's Taking the Ferry Home, in which Ali spends the summer with her father while her mother remains at home to complete her dissertation."

Frances Nadeau in her examination of other novels, notes that "the mother is absent emotionally, often as a result of alcohol or drug dependency"

." In Taking the Ferry Home, wealthy and sophisticated Simone suffers from her mother's addiction to both alcohol and drugs. The mothers' emotional dependence often requires that the daughters assume the role of "mother" in that they make decisions and assume responsibility. In Nice Girl From Good Home, Fran Arrick writes about a family adjusting to economic hardships. Dory copes, but her mother slips into depression and finally suicide. In Amazing Gracie, a similar story, Gracie manages the household affairs, cooks, and cleans, trying to save her mother from depression and, in this case, attempted suicide."

"In some novels", Frances Nadeau notes," events outside the family relationship precipitate a shift in the relationship between mother and daughter. In Susan Beth Pfeffer's Make Believe, Carrie and her family must adjust to a divorce in a family that is very close to them. Carrie and her mother disagree on whether to make the first overture to their friends. After instructing Carrie not to call Jill, Carrie's mother disregards her own advice and calls Jill's mother. In Jean Thesman's Molly Donnelly, World War II disrupts family life and is the catalyst for mother/daughter conflict. Molly's mother begins work in the defense factory, leaving Molly to care for her younger brother. Molly wants the war to end, her mother to return home, and for them to be a happy family again. To Molly's amazement, her mother announces she would not give up the freedom of working: "A woman's a fool if she gives up a good job for housework." The Vietnam Conflict represents the outside force in And One For All by Theresa Nelson. In this novel, Geraldine's brother enlists in the Army. Although the whole family suffers from the strain of this war, Geraldine especially misses her brother. Both mother and daughter share a common tragedy in each of these novels. Although the mother offers advice, she is unable to alleviate the daughter's pain."

Frances Nadeau writes that three young adult novels that confront the daughter's quest for autonomy are See You Thursday by Jean Ure, Shabanu by Suzanne Fisher Staples, and Echoes of the White Giraffe by Sook Nyul Choi.

In See You Thursday," Frances Nadeau writes, " sixteen-year-old Marianne falls in love with Abe, the blind boarder who rents an upstairs room. To Marianne, Abe is the man who teaches her to love music and to feel comfortable around people. To Marianne's mother, twenty-four-year-old Abe represents a threat: so she sends him away. The conflict continues as Marianne visits Abe in his new apartment without her mother's knowledge. Staples' Shabanu, set in Pakistan, portrays Shabanu's nomadic life raising camels. Staples contrasts Shabanu's willful nature with her sister Phulan, who obediently follows her parents' wishes.'

"The parental attitude is reflected by the mother who states, "What we decide for both of you is what you will do. You aren't old enough to know what's good for you." Shabanu rebels when her parents pledge her to marry an older man. The third book, Choi's Echoes of the White Giraffe, is also set in a remote time and place. Choi sets the story in Korea during the Korean war and describes the fabric of a mother/daughter relationship. Sookan, knowing she would bring shame on herself and her family, nevertheless agrees to be photographed with her friend -- a privilege permitted only to engaged couples. When her mother learns of this deception from the young man's parents, she prohibits Sookan from participating in activities that would put the two young people together. The mother admonishes her daughter saying, "...I am disappointed that you kept this from me. I know you are at the age where your heart rules. But you could have told me....".

Frances Nadeau explores the theme of mother daughter type relationships within the young adult novels that describe the mother daughter conflict that occurs when the daughter selects her own and rejects her mother's lifestyle.

Vivien Nice describes the separation as confusing in that the daughter does not know where she begins and the mother ends The Newbery-Award-winning Jacob Have I Loved by Katherine Paterson portrays Sara Louise Bradshaw competing with her talented sister for attention as she seeks to discover her path in life. In a dramatic scene in which Sara Louise tries to comprehend that her mother chose life on the small island instead of going to Paris, Sara Louise implores, "Well, just don't try to make me like you are."

"Another young adult novel", Frances Nadeau writes, "that centers on a girl's attempt to find her place is Jerry Spinelli's There's a Girl In My Hammerlock. When Maise doesn't make the cheerleading team, she joins the wrestling team. Team members scorn her, her brother and best friend shun her, and opponents prefer forfeiting rather than wrestling her. Although not pleased with Maise's decision, her mother offers support."

"A very recent book, Sarah Ellis's Pick-Up Sticks, relates the story of a daughter rejecting her mother's lifestyle. Polly seeks order and security while her artistic mother fails to plan ahead. When they cannot find a new apartment, Polly screams, "Why did you choose to be a mother if you can't even do it right?"

Notar and McDaniel stated, "One of the earliest and most profound bonds women form with each other is that of mother and daughter" (p. 1). Although the relationship is complex, young adults often need to understand their mothers in order to understand themselves. Well-developed fiction can provide a powerful message of comfort, reassuring daughters that others have experienced the pain and confusion of growing independence. Amy Tan inspired popular interest. Some young adult novelists reviewed here have illuminated the relationship. Perhaps future works of young adult fiction will contribute more to the understanding of the mother/daughter relationship.