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Their mates or the best players were chosen first. The outsiders or bad players were left to last. Too bad if you didn't like sport or you weren't friends with the captain! We all like to feel we "belong" somewhere. Abraham Maslow in his famous hierarchy of needs placed 'belongingness and love needs' third, after 'physiological needs' (hunger, thirst etc.) and 'safety and security need' (long-term survival and stability). Our need of affiliation and acceptance is a basic human need. No wonder it is so important to us! Some thinkers suggest that the need to belong is biologically based. They suggest we are instinctually driven to be in groups. From birth we need to belong to someone otherwise we would die. In fact it has been shown that orphaned children who are not held physically and given some social attention become ill and even die. When the feeling to belong is satisfied as a child, we are more likely to grow up physically and emotionally healthy. Research also demonstrates the importance of belonging by the strong correlation between feelings of loneliness and depression. Most people can't cope with isolation for too long. We all need to belong somewhere. When we go through 'separation', whether through a death, the loss of a relationship, a fall out with friends or family, or loss of an important social group, the feelings of grief we experience are partially due to the fact that we have lost our 'belongingness'. What is it that makes 'belongingness' so important? Perhaps the most essential element is the recognition that we exist and that we are accepted. Belongingness gives us security. It also gives us companionship or friendship. As well as this it also helps define our identity and offers us familiarity. We cease to be strangers when we belong. But some people just seem to be 'loners' while others are 'joiners'? Why is it some people have stronger affiliation needs than others? As you can imagine the reasons are complex. Upbringing, temperament, circumstances all contribute. How do you see yourself? Are you a loner or do you prefer company most of the time? If you devote a lot of your time to interpersonal activities such social groups and clubs, or you spend a lot of time visiting friends or chatting in conversation on the phone, your need for 'belongingness' is high. And if you worry about whether you are accepted or not, this also suggests you have deep affiliation needs. Nothing wrong with that! Usually people who have a strong sense of belongingness also have a deep need for intimacy. That is they have the need for warm, close exchanges with others, marked by open communication. What is interesting about such people is that they are usually rated by their peers as relatively warm, sincere and loving. Those whose intimacy needs are less are seen by others as more self-centered and domineering. Real and satisfying intimacy with others is at the heart of belonging. When you have experienced true intimacy, whether with friends or loved ones, you know you belong. Intimacy is the greatest gift we can share. There is nothing else like it!
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