That difficult person may well be yourself !  

There seems to be one thing worse than working or being with someone you can't stand; being with someone who can't stand you! When we have ill feelings towards another person we are somehow in control but when someone doesn't like us we are much more threatened.

The most difficult people to deal with are those who find us obnoxious!

We all want to get on with other people and even though we may from time to time find ourselves at odds with others, it is not usually until someone becomes hostile towards us that we find ourselves unable to cope.

When we become the victim or target of someone else's vindictiveness or hatred our own coping skills soon prove to be quite inadequate.

Work place and domestic relationships very seldom run smoothly. Points of tension and disagreements inevitably arise. And we don't always have the necessary skills to adequately or appropriately deal with them.

Our reactions and responses can either resolve or exacerbate the situation and we may find ourselves in an increasingly worse situation.

Some years back I had a massive disagreement with a colleague over a student who was perpetually late with assignments. I took the view that greater tolerance should be shown towards the student for their lateness while my colleague was adamant that deadlines should be enforced.

The disagreement was really nothing whatsoever to do with the student but with our personalities and our views about psychology.

I was never overly concerned about lateness while my colleague saw this as inexcusable procrastination and laziness. My tolerance was viewed as condoning such behaviour while I felt my colleague was too judgmental and rigid. We ended up not communicating for months and became embroiled in a bitter struggle which had nothing to do with the issue but more to do with point scoring!

Looking back at that incident clearly demonstrates how important it is to have conflict resolution skills and processes in place to deal with such incidents.

What should we do when we find ourselves having a "personality clash" with particular people? He are a few tips.

* Check with other people in the work place to see if anyone else is not getting on with the particular person. It may be just you or others may be experiencing something similar.
* When offering advice or suggestions, address the behaviour you are concerned about and don't attack the person.
* Stay calm (if at all possible!) Don't be confrontive when you are upset or angry.
* Keep away from emotional involvement. The more your emotions are stirred up the more difficult it is to be objective and clear headed.
* If you do decide to confront the person, be prepared! Work out what you are going to say in advance and rehearse the key points.
* Remember to speak in a way that you would want to be spoken to. Returning insults achieves absolutely nothing!
* Know what your own values and standards are, be clear about them, but don't expect others to feel the same. Try to show the other person that you see their point of view and where possible look for common ground.
* Don't try to "win" by defeating the other person.

The most healthy thing we all can do is to ask ourselves if we are being the "difficult person" in the situation.

We may not be, but quite often with out always realising it we could well be contributing to the tensions, and if we are, then something can be done about it, hopefully!