None of us want to experience
rejection, particularly by people who are emotionally important to us
and who we value and love. People who are significant in our lives, whether
in our personal relationships, families or work, matter to us and how
we get on with them and what they think of us is very important. In fact
the deeper our emotional attachment to them and the higher the stakes
the more negative will be our experience of rejection by them.
Our deepest feelings of rejection
are likely to occur when we experience being unwanted, unloved , pushed
away and dismissed by those with whom we have the greatest emotional attachment..
All deep and intimate relationships are formed around openness, acceptance,
mutual recognition and filling of each others needs, reciprocity, sharing,
nurturing and supporting. The list could go on. When people are attentive
and attuned to each other. they feel safe, secure, loved and valued in
such relationships. Rejection is the antithesis to acceptance. Nurturing
friendships and relationships provide us with encouragement and enhance
our self image.
We need this type of relationship
to grow and develop .and to provide us stability and security. That need
begins very early... A child cradled in its mother's arms is physically
nurtured and protected. If this nurturing continues, the child develops
with a deep sense safety and certainty because it is being valued, wanted,
accepted, embraced, held, acknowledged and recognized.
Take these loving attributes way
and the child's sense of security, of certainty and of self, will be undermined
and the chilling winds of fear, insecurity and anxiety will sweep across
its life. The sense of abandonment will be immense as the distressed child
unknowingly and unwantingly begins to experience the underlying feelings
adults associate with rejection. A child 's feelings of abandonment become
the adult's feelings of rejection. Emotional foundations laid in childhood
so often determine our responses when we are older
It seems that early life experiences
which threaten our security and safety are foundational and when added
to by parental careless indifference, abusive behavior , criticism and
so on. The bruising of our inner selves as the result of rejection, continues
unnoticed until we at some later stage tap into our earlier experiences
and relive them emotionally as adults.
For those who have had happy and
safe upbringings, the emotional underlays are not scarred by early life
traumas and experiences of rejection and do not become reservoirs of traumatized
emotions ready to avalanche themselves across the experiences of our adult
lives. Much of our adult experiences of rejection are flavored by the
emotions of our childhood, where we can often relive the earlier traumatized
feelings of abandonment.
The greater our attachment within
our relationships and the deeper our life investment in the things we
do, the more we are at risk in experiencing negative emotions when others
push us away, dismiss us, ignore us, or fail to recognize our efforts
and interests. A woman can spends years of her life caring for her family
only to have her partner walk out on her or perhaps her children show
no signs of gratitude whatsoever for all she has done. Rejection is multi-faceted
and our experiences reflect these many aspects.
If she has already has an underlay
of traumatized feelings, she will soon find herself reliving those emotional
experiences, and this well increase the frightening feelings she is going
through as an adult when she once again encounters rejection.
A man may put years of effort
into his career, only to find himself "sacked" and on the dole heap. No
one wants him. The feelings of abandonment and rejection at such times
can be totally overwhelming, and the small boy hidden beneath the thin
veneer of adulthood begins to cry out. But he is meant to be strong, powerful
and certainly not tearful. Unless the feelings and emotions are addressed,
this man could become angry, numb, aggressive, depressed or suicidal.
Two young people "fall in love"
(and not so young). The feelings of attachment are exhilarating . Totally
absorbed in each others attention they are surrounded by acceptance and
recognition and feel nurtured and supported. The bliss seems to dissolve
all insecurities and uncertainties until the absence of the beloved occurs
either circumstantially or emotionally. The sense of abandonment can then
take over and many of the underlying childhood insecurities, traumas and
anxieties previously experienced, dominate. The distress can become almost
crippling. The need for reassurance becomes immense. The feeling of abandonment
becomes the "fear of rejection" and can be profoundly traumatic.
The feelings of abandonment and
rejection we experience as a child can become a reservoir of traumatic
emotions which pervade our lives when we go through rejection in our adult
life. As adults we frequently relive the hurts of the past. Often the
tears flowing down our adult faces belong to a child.
Tell us your experiences and give
us your insights on rejection HERE
