A woman came to see me about what she described as deep feelings of anxiety. She had no obvious reasons to be feeling this way. She had been on a new career path for about four years, and was in fact doing her "finals" in her nursing degree. You may conclude t she was suffering from examination jitters.

Yes she was, but her sense of anxiety was becoming uncontrollable panic, triggered by what seemed an unspoken 'fear of failure'. She had no reason to feel this way. For the past three years she had topped her classes and had gained high distinctions in all her exams. She was an outstanding and very capable student. And yet she was very anxious and becoming increasingly distressed. What was causing this?

Everyday of our lives we bring to our circumstances our previous experiences. These flavour our responses and reactions to our life events. In the case of the nurse you would imagine she had every reason in the world to feel confident about her results. Her academic history was very successful! She should have been feeling confident and positive. She was the opposite.

At one stage during our conversation I asked who she really wanted to please the most with her results. Much to my surprise she began to cry uncontrollably, with bursts of deep anguish and sobbing. She was deeply distressed and very disturbed. Nothing like the highly professional, capable and energetic person she was so well known for in her career. Through her tears she sobbed, "I'm never good enough! I'm never good enough!"

She then told me how her father (now long dead) had never ever praised or commended her for anything, especially her school work. At school, as you would expect, she had done exceptionally well. But every time she brought her results home her father would criticise her for not having gained even higher marks, even when they were well over ninety percent. She received the message from him that she was never good enough. She also received another message, 'He doesn't love me because I'm not good enough'.

So to please her father and hopefully gain his love and approval she worked harder still, and in the meantime developed an unhealthy fear of failure. Being "not good enough" for her meant being unacceptable and unloved. This was not what her father was saying, but that was the message she received!

As an adult she was still distressed for "not being good enough" even when she was.

Feelings of self worth are very closely tired to our approval by others, especially our parents. Our sense of self worth should not be based on the 'standards' and 'expectations' of others. Otherwise we can spend the rest of our lives trying to "measure up" and living in the fear of not be accepted or loved.

Constant criticism and lack of praise can undermine our sense of self worth at a time when we are most fragile and vulnerable. We may then spend the rest of our lives trying to "prove" we are worthy so that others will like and accept us. The nurse was held in very high esteem by her friends, associates and patients. It was a pity her father hadn't given her the most important message of all: you are a beautiful person who I simply love not because of what you do but because of who you are! That type of message would go along way in building up anyone's self-esteem and self-worth.