Life Tips Centre: I'm Ok, You're OK

Who do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror? Do you see who others see or someone else. It is simply amazing how the person beneath our skin can be so hidden when many other aspects of us seem so obvious to others. Do you feel OK when you see yourself or are you never really satisfied?. Why is it we have misgivings and feel insecure?

Thomas Harris some time back wrote an enormously popular and very insightful book entitled, "I'm OK You're OK". Based on Eric Burne's ideas called Transactional Analysis.,Harris explores in depth what he calls 'life positions'. At some stage early in our lives we adopt a "position" about ourselves which very significantly determines how we feel about ourselves, particularly in relation to other people. When we look in the mirror we usually make conclusions about ourselves in reference to other people. Let's see what Thomas Harris suggests.

Harris proposes four life positions from which we may operate. All of them are built around the word "OK". The positions are: (1) "I'm not OK - You're OK"; (2) "I'm not OK - You're not OK"; (3) "I'm OK - You're not OK"; (4) "I'm OK - You're OK".

Position (1) "I'm not OK - You're OK" is the most common position. Most of us believe that generally other people are 'better' than we are. You may be surprised to learn this. Most people have a sense of inferiority, or at least levels of insecurity about themselves in relation to others. This view comes largely from childhood when we are smaller than the big people and when our own lives seem much less powerful and significant compared to those around us. We really are OK, it is just that starting out small has us feeling unequal from the start.

Position (2) "I'm not OK - You're not OK" is adopted by us when our early life experiences are difficult and quite negative and there is very little comfort or support around us. The child can feel abandoned and just gives up. There seems no hope. We learn not to rely on others, we stop relating openly and easily to those around us and deep relationships are both insecure and lack real intimacy. We are not happy about ourselves nor do we feel particularly happy about others. As an adult this position can create havoc in our relationships because we don't feel safe.

Position (3) "I'm OK - You're not OK" occurs when the first few years of our lives are so brutalised that we become a survivor who fiercely protects themselves from others and who experiences their sense of comfort from within without any reference to others. Why rely on others when they hurt you. I will be OK by myself. As an adult we can become a loner, act fiercely independent, not rely on other people at all and almost have the arrogant attitude that we simply will do it better. Like position (2) intimate relationships are difficult and dependence on others is seen as weakness. Getting close to people is risky and they may let you down and we can hate them for that. That is why they are to blame and are not OK. Both positions are really about vulnerability and feelings of safety.

Position (4) "I'm OK - You're OK" is the position we all need to move into. It is the place where we see ourselves and others as being OK. This position unlike the others is one that comes with an adult perspective where we are able to see ourselves more objectively and understand better the forces which have shaped us since our childhood. The information we gain as an adult helps us to balance the experiences we had as a child. To live within position (4) requires us to move away from the other positions. But if we don't know what they, how will we know if we are in them or have moved from them.

Being OK in ourselves and with others is certainly the way of peace and happiness. Getting there should be our goal. Understanding these life positions certainly helps point us in the right direction.